Wow... LiveJournal. My account is still here! I haven't posted for like 3 years or something! And even back then, I hardly posted at all. I recently started a blog;
http://bitterslice.blogspot.com/I started it thinking it was something new, something I hadn't done before. I'd totally forgot I had a LJ account, it's pretty much the same thing too, I could have just started using this again :P It's funny, there wasn't such a thing as a blog back then, and now they are so popular. But in reality, blogs are just online journals, which have been around for ages. Most people think blogs are a new thing, if I mention the word to anyone, most people don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Or maybe that's just the crap town I live in. But yeah anyway, basically 'blog' is just the new buzzword on the block.
Oh boy, look at my old messages, so much has changed! I mention Kildas road, but I don't think I was living on it at that time. I don't know what I'm talking about in that entry, perhaps that there were rumors that there was a brothel on that road. I sound so happy in my old entries, weird. I don't think I was actually that happy back then, I mean, it looks like it was around the time I went to Prague. It was a good holiday, but it was around the time I broke up with my first real girlfriend, Miranda. I mean, if I remember correctly, we basically broke up before we even went on the holiday. We arranged the holiday, then just before we were due to go, the shit hit the fan. We went on it anyway, and we split up as soon as it was over.
Most of my old entries are about work... Funny, I really do sound like I was happy. I got sick of that job, I got really depressed, and got myself fired. I'd worked there for about 3 and a half years I think. It's hard for me to remember exactly how long I worked there. I find it hard to remember those kinds of details. What's it going to be like when I'm actually an old man. I seem to forget everything.
I also sound so dumb in my old entries. Dumb, but happy. I was so happy over mundane things like a made up Dragonball day at work. Perhaps I should have changed my mind set back then, when I started to hate my job. I got bored of it and started to get really worried that I was wasting my life in a shitty video games store. I kept thinking, I should be doing something that uses my brain more, and do something that doesn't involve being treated like dirt. But ignorance is bliss, right? I should have swallowed my pride, looked around me, and realized that I was being useful there. That I was helping people. Yeah ok, I was helping them to buy crappy games, nothing important, but at least I was achieving something. I don't feel like I'm achieving anything anymore, I just feel like I'm wasting space, money, and time. Why? Oh, this is a good time to quickly reveal what I've been doing all these years, what fun;
So I went to Prague with my then girlfriend, Miranda. I can't remember when, it was around the date I posted about it here on LJ. We broke up as soon as the holiday ended (like I said earlier), if I remember correctly. I was still working for CEX, and I started dating Jackie. I got fired from CEX for being constantly late and sometimes not going in at all. I had been there for about 3 and a half years. I did an access course at college for a year (this started not long after I got fired), I used that access pass to apply for University. Due to my extreme laziness, I applied for 3 choices in one Uni, namely Westminster Harrow, because it's the closest one to me. Normally one would apply for 3 classes, each one being in a different Uni. My 1st choice was BA Animation, 2nd was Illustration, 3rd was Video Games (programming and design). I was pretty sure I would be doing Illustration, because I'd been told that the animation course was popular, prestigious, and difficult to get into. The head teacher told me that almost a 1000 students apply, but only about 32 get in. I then didn't get quite enough points to pass as a potential candidate for the class, so I was shocked when I actually got in.
Some time in the free period I had between passing the college course and starting Uni, my relationship with Jackie ended. After I broke up with Miranda, which had lasted barely a year, I became emotionally insecure. After a far longer time with Jackie, the breakup with her was (and has been) the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. I have grown emotionally eratic. Sometimes I feel that I have the energy to work on stuff and achieve great things. But most the time, I feel severely down, mostly because I look at those upbeat times, and realize that I didn't do squat. And most recently I find that when I actually do try to do something, it turns out unimaginably harder than I expected. I'm going off topic, I shall move on.
So I started Uni, and it seemed pretty good. That didn't last long, but I'm not going into detail about that here, I've already moaned about it a lot in my bitterslice blog. In a nutshell, it's very hard, the other students don't want to be my friends, and I'm doubting it was the right class to take. In fact, University may have been totally the wrong thing to do for me, I never seem to make the right choices, it seems. Over this time period, I also moved out of my parents, lived in 3 different places, and then recently moved back in with my parents, after being away for about 4 years. Pretty sad really, moving back in adds to the feeling that I haven't achieved anything since I learned how to tie my own shoe lasses.
And so here we are, the present. I've just finished my 1st year at Uni, hopefully I'll pass, just 2 years to go. The 1st went very fast, mostly because it could hardly be called a year, we haven't had a class for months, and we now have a holiday till late September. I reckon we're barely there 6 months a year.
The past continues to effect me greatly. After quite a long time being single, my breakup with Jackie continues to hurt. I never would have thought it would take this long to get over her. The other major element to my mental decline is friends, I'll explain; Probably not long before I started this LJ account (many years ago), I started dating Miranda. I had relationships before her, but not really any proper ones. This change in my life led to me neglecting my friends, something that happens to many people, I guess. I stopped seing them as much, I was spending all my spare time with my girlfriend, it didn't help that I was, and still am, terrible at keeping my time in order. This continued into the Jackie era, before long, I wasn't seeing my friends at all. This was all mostly my fault, and it only got worse when I stopped working at CEX, a place that at least gave me some access to some friends. Fast forward to the now single me, and I find myself totally and utterly alone, no girlfriend, no friends. OK thats a bit of lie, I still have my mate Amit, but I don't see him that often, and I used to have many mates. Amit's the only one who can be bothered to contact me anymore. One friend who I see once a month can't really be called a social life. I discovered that most of my old friends still hang around in the same groups, the only difference is, I'm not there anymore.
Right at this moment in life, I am doing the following things;
- I'm spending way too much time doing pointless (aka fun) things on the internet
- I'm attempting not to sleep through every day until September, so that I might actually get something done
- That "get something done" would involve further practice and studying in preparation for next years Uni. In the hope that I might get better at drawing than a 10 year old
- Get a life, so to speak, instead of sitting at home alone, going insane with emptiness. It's got so bad, that I have problems with conversing with other people. I say other people, because I'm fairly good at talking to myself.
- Try to stop wasting ridiculous amounts of time doing mundane tasks, like sorting out all my junk into categories. I do this to avoid doing things that would involve actually using my brain.
And that's it, I'm done. Did I mention I'm depressed? Ciao.
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